painful

fuck my back I'm in so much pain.


Think i pulled it.

Inglourious Basterds

Definitely a movie worth seeing




if you want to watch the official trailer you can view it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sQhTVz5IjQ

Boxxy

Enjoy

Malevolently Speaking

Written Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Malevolently Speaking

Am I anything more than just a face? Labels mean so much whether you want to admit it or not. The only problem is that my labels are meaningless. Every time I think about this it makes me realize how alone I really am. I've never had any close friends, I've never had a friend to talk to who didn't have motives behind their words. Yes I've had people there for me, I've had people give me their thoughts and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I have those friends who love to see me at parties because they enjoy my company. I have those friends who want to be there for my daughter and I have an amazing fiancee who would do pretty much anything for me. But that's not much I can depend on. Through my whole relationship with Tori I was so dependent on her that she could have literally could have asked me for my car and I would have given it to her just to make sure she didn't break up with me. I'm glad I was like that now because otherwise I wouldn't be dating Tori and I wouldn't trade our relationship for the world but being that obsessive wouldn't of let me break up with her when I thought I needed to. I've always used to invest myself into people who used me because I'm a nice guy and because of that I don't try to make friends, and I don't try to be open with anyone. Am I more than just a boy? Am I more than just a friend? Will I leave a mark on anyone's life? Or will I end up just being a face that is soon forgotten after its left the room?

I think I'm going to go scream at the walls until I don't feel feelings anymore.

Unexpected

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Unexpected

Things in my life have happened that any person wouldn't want to have to deal with. Like everyone else I have my "sob" story, and like everyone else I think I have it off worse than anyone. I understand that throughout my entire life I have been given opportunities that many people have never gotten, and I understand that I have had an "easy" life compared to most people in this country, and to nearly everyone in the whole world. I get it and I'm thankful, I don't want to just bitch and moan about another one of my problems because no one wants to hear about it. That being said I do want to talk about something that has overtaken my life completely, although I'm not going to mention what this is because I'm not ready to do that. To make this easier I'm going to refer to this as the "event". Well anyways recently this event happened and it has barely even begun, but it has already changed me for the better. It has made me blunt with people who are hard to be blunt with, and it has made me be caring with people that I once was only blunt to. This event has completely changed the way I look at things now, and although this event is something that most people don't want to go through at my age, I'm actually excited about it. All my life I've been a screw up, and well this event proves that even more. At the same time though I can use this event to prove to myself that my life has meaning and I'm not just your run of the mill screw up. On a side note, I have always had trouble with religion, and I've always been forced to attend church and I have honestly never believed in God because of what he has let happen to me (yeah i know its my sob story shit but its the truth), but tonight I attended a chapel service out of my own free will. My girlfriend did ask me to go but she gave me the choice and she wasn't going to pressure me either way. The service was ok, the singing was alright(the band wasn't great) and the message didn't fully apply to me. It didn't "touch" me in any way and it didn't make me super religious. It did do two things to me, first off it made me ask my girlfriend(a girl that I am 99% sure is the one) to confess something to me that was different(different as in, something that I wouldn't expect, good or bad). Tori and I have a very strong relationship and we tell each other everything so I know more about her than she does and there isn't much she can really confess to me, but for some reason I felt the need to ask her this. She hasn't answered yet but we'll see where it leads. The second thing it did was made me realize that this event isn't a negative thing. From the outside view it looks horrible(thus why I'm not saying what it is), but I'm sure that there's more to it than I know, or anyone knows. I know in my heart that God has a plan for this, and for the first time in my life I am finally going to risk it and just see what happens and if there is a God I'm sure he will guide this in the right direction. My life right now is going really well. I have a job, girlfriend, car, home and friends. There isn't much more that I could ask for, well except that I could afford to live completely on my own(but hey in a few years I'll be at that point). I'm happy, and for me to be happy it takes a lot. This event is a bump in the road that I'll get over and soon enough I'll be looking back at it and thinking "without that happening I wouldn't have what I have today" (Yes I just quoted my future self =])

Anyways the interesting stuff is done with but if you keep reading you can get a quick update on my life

Going to Citrus for 2 years and getting my AA (with transfer) in Liberal Arts.Then I'll be transferring to a four 4 where I'll get my Bachelor in either Psychology or whatever I change my mind to. After that I plan to go onto grad school and get my Masters, and if time allows I would like to get my PhD in whatever it is I decide to major in. I'm in a great relationship with my girlfriend. I do have a job but I'm looking for a new one because I want to start working for a company that would allow me to move up the ladder as much as possible. I miss my friends, don't miss High School. Meeting new people everyday and I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see whats in store for me. OH!! I'm going to see I Am Ghost and I need someone to go with me. Its October 12th @ the Glass house, tickets are $10. Let me know if you want to go and I'll drive.

Insomnia

Written Thursday, August 21, 2008

Insomnia

I don't understand why it came back. As some of you know I was kicked out of my home at the end of 8th grade, and I remained kicked out until the end of freshman year. About four months after I moved out I lost the ability to fall asleep. I was seeing a therapist (forced by the social services) and he determined that I had insomnia. It was a minor chase of it because once I fell asleep I would sleep and was able to go into a deep slumber, just the problem was falling asleep. I was only proscribed meds for it once, but they took them off shortly because after only two weeks I was totally addicted to them. My minor case of insomnia came and went depending on how guilty my conscious was. I have always told myself that the reason I was able to fall asleep was because there was a problem set out in front of me and god didn't want me to rest until I fixed the problem. Although I know why I can't sleep at night, I don't understand to why this condition of mine needed to come back. I have a major problem right now, but I went about it in the completely right matter and so far everything is working out, but for some reason I still can't fucking sleep. When its time for me to die and I finally get too fined out if god exists I am going to be so fucking pissed off if he doesn't. I believe in him, but I'm tired and I want to be able to close my eyes and fall asleep but for some fucking reason he won't let me do that. Yeah yeah this is a sob story but fuck I was tired of holding it in.

Misanthropy

Written Sunday, May 18, 2008

Misanthropy

I must admit, Austin got me thinking, and in a way I'm copying him, but hey him and I have very different views. For one, I do believe completely that there is a god. I will never accept that there isn't one. Simply enough if there wasn't a god then there would be no point to life, I can cannot accept that I am meaningless. Religion is a joke. It does have its uses, it keeps people in line, it keeps people moral, it gives people a reason to believe that they are more than nothing. Did i mention that it takes their money?

Chaos is something that has always caught my interest. In a chaotic situation I tend to work better, I can handle anything. In a calm situation, I can't handle anything. For example, when Tori broke up with me, we weren't fighting, we weren't mad at each other, we weren't thinking straight, and I freaked out. While at the same time, when Tori and I had a fight, things got worked out better, letting everything go tends to help.

People are to extreme when it comes to peace and violence. On one side you have the Hippi's who do drugs and cry out to give peace a chance, while on the other side you have those people who kill each other for no fucking reason. You can't have peace without war. You can't have war without peace. Its as simple as that.

When it comes to relationships no one is ever happy. No one is ever good enough for who they want to be good enough for. If your lucky enough to run into that someone that can stand you for who you are then you are a pretty lucky person. Sadly enough its not that simple. When anyone is happy, they always want something more, something they can't have, something they think will complete them even though it won't. I am a pure example of this, or I was an example of this. When I was younger (yeah I know how can you be in love so young) I used to always chase after this girl, that would never take me for me. I used to always try to live up to her standards and not mine. While at the same time this someone else was right in front of me with her arms wide open just waiting for me to realize what I really wanted. Then life happened, I got over chasing and i began to realize what I was missing with the second girl. Once I was willing, once I wanted her, she was done. People want what they can't have, and once they have it, they don't want it anymore.

Politics is a topic that I will not discuss, because for one, I do not know enough about them to even have a valid reason to be talking about them. I have been brainwashed to the point that I will disagree with the views of my parents because throughout my whole life they have always said their way is right, everything else is wrong.


mis·an·thro·py [mis-an-thruh-pee]
–noun
hatred, dislike, or distrust of humankind.


Hatred comes in many different forms, the worst has the be the hatred of yourself. Being part of something you never wanted to be a part of, being the person you said you would never be, having regret, and having to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you hate who you are has to be one of the hardest things that everyone is going to have to face. The question has always been to whats right. Obsessing with this is why humankind will never work.

I hate myself, I hate who i am. I hate that I do things that I promised myself I would never do again. Having Tori made me realize something. I may not be who I want to be, I may not be perfect, but I'm me, and everything I do, everything I say defines who I am. So although I hate who I am, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm happy with myself because I'm not fake, I am just who I am. Accept me for who I am, because right now I only know of two people who have done that, me being included.

This blog has no point.

Old Posts

So I really don't feel like writing anything new therefore I'm going to post a few old blogs/notes that I had written in the past. I'm going to post them separately so I don't cause any confusion.


I am not re-reading anything that I'm going to post so if they say anything offensive I'm sorry.

Victoria

First post dedicated to http://victoriafeger.blogspot.com/


She forced me into making a blog. :)